YOU MIGHT BE A FLORIDIAN IF.....

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances, Ivan, or Jeanne

If an airboat is parked in your drive instead of a car.

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You've ordered gas cans via FedEx

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible"

phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles

from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 " NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street

Your depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood,

roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to

make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading to a 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector,face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric

And finally you might be a Floridian if You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate Classifieds

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

 4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...At some point you know you're going

to have a tree in your house

After this past week we all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course:

We're into the enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility

that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step

hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will

not follow this sensible plan.

Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

Homeowner's Insurance:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money,

and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can

drop you like used dental floss.

Shutters:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters,

with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps,

and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool

(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built

(immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

Evacuation Route:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license;

if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.

So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Hurricane Supplies:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who

gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will

need the following supplies:

At least 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for.

NOBODY knows what the bleach is for,

but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg.

(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.

(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,

there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that,

after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator

from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by

turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean

and tell you over and over how vitally

important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember:

It's great living in Paradise!!